Friday, December 17th, 2004
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2:41 pm - Well That Changes Everything
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The boyfriend and I were fighting but it was finally revealed to me (not by the bf, but by his mother) that the bf's older brother, E, is bi-polar. He is 52 and has been living with his parents for the last 15 years. The standard operating explanation was always that it was because he has Type I Diabetes and has had it since childhood. O-K-A-Y. But there are a lot of people with diabetes who manage to function in the world, so it was always a little fishy. But two months ago he went into a serious manic episode -- becoming threatening and completely irrational, so the truth finally came out.
As I have been told by a few people who I've discussed this with, a mentally ill person effects everyone around them. One friend, whose mother was mentally ill described as "A mentally ill person is the strongest person in the world. They have the power to take everyone around them down with them."
It's worse than a physically illness. My mother had colon cancer earlier this year and that was tough, but at least it doesn't have the stigma attached to it that mental illness has.
I have found it extremely difficult to discuss it with the bf. The whole family seems to be in various levels of denial and I'm afraid I think the bf is the worst. The truth of the matter is that E is never going to be able to function as an independent adult and once his parents die, the burden is going to fall on the bf and his sister to take care of E. That's pretty frightening.
So the bf is driving up here (both me and his parents live in the Bay Area) and we're going to have a Christmas gathering. From what I can gather I think E is coming down from the mania and is back to being seriously depressed, which he has been for the last 5 years.
It's all very tragic. But ho ho ho.
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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
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5:15 pm - Made it Through the Day
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Ramble Ramble. Read long article on Salon.com about the book "He's Just Not That Into You" that's sweeping the country. Ugh. I don't even want to go there. I'm not sure if it applies to dating or long-term relationships. It probably does. But what do you do about behavior that is just because the person is in a relationship? I mean all our shit comes out in relationships. All our insecurities that makes us behave in ways we would never behave in other circumstances. It's like when our mother's say something innocuous to us and we over-react.
Is this rationalization??? Probably.
I got a crap little email from him and I responded shortly and cryptically. I get it now -- THIS MEANS WAR.
I'm going to go rehearse with my band. That always cheers me up.
current mood:  aggravated
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1:09 pm - Sad and Listless
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Nice way to start off my re-entry into Live Journal, but there ya go. I had a fight with my boyfriend yesterday and my feelings are hurt. I think his feelings are hurt too, so neither of us is contacting the other. He left me a "I'm not mad, I hope you're not mad, but I'm going to bed early so I will talk to you tomorrow" voice message last night.
Tuesday's are never much good for me anyway. And my boss is out of town so I can spend the day listening to old "This American Life" shows on the internet and playing Solitaire much to the annoyance of my co-workers I'm sure.
I move around the office looking at faces and wondering who is happy right now and who is upset. A fellow secretary told me he overheard his boss have a huge fight with his wife on the phone this morning and when I ran into the boss in the hallway, he looked just like DEATH. I wonder if I look that way.
I just can't get out of my mind the Amazing Race and how some couples seem considerate to each other and some seem abusive, taking out their egos on each other. Usually one is passive and the other aggressive and it's horrible to watch. My boyfriend can get that way -- where he gets mad at me and speaks to me in a tone that is so harsh -- in such a way I would never speak to anyone unless I was really, really upset. But he let me have it yesterday just because I was suggesting I would PAY for him to take Pilates to help his bad back.
I've had a bad back for years and years and after much therapy of one kind or another finally found relief two years ago when I started taking Pilates. But he somehow finds certain things I do or say to be really threatening to his ego and me suggesting I might know something about how he should deal with his bad back is one of them.
It's a ridiculous mine field and I hate it. The closer you are with someone the more easily it is to get and give hurt. I wonder if that's all this is or if I'm with a really insecure man who is going to make my life always difficult. Are all relationships nothing but tip-toeing around each other's insecurities and sensitivities?
Right now I'm ready to throw in the towel either way, even if it means no relationship because I can't take being spoken to that way, by anybody for any reason. So if that means keeping the world at arms length, so be it.
Am I that damn sensitive?
current mood:  crushed
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Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
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2:44 pm - Loading up
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2:25 pm - Checking in
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It's been ages. I see some of my favorite on-line diariest have been "deleted." Sad. I also see the community has become HUGE. I can't believe there are actually a million users out there. It boggles the mind.
I'm having a good day. I guess that's as good as start as any. I started doing Pilates 5 months ago and it's really helped my body and my mind.
OK, I'll be back.
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Friday, April 26th, 2002
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3:05 pm - I'm taking a break
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Well, ahh, I guess I was anyway. Not that anybody cared, really. But I find that I have been too disturbed by the whole Myk&Stephanie thing to think about posting here again. So I've joined www.opendiaryplus. I actually joined it back in January (it costs mula) only because I had to so I could continue reading this one diary I was addicted to. It was called Frozen Pancakes on opendiary and then became Bitter Pill on opendiaryplus.
Yadda Yadda.
It's not as fancy. But it's easier to edit your entries so maybe I'll become more of a real writer and write flowing, beautifully edited prose.
I'll still check in with people here. But I miss Stephanie's beautiful writing and my heart is too broken for Myk and like a bad love affair, I find visiting my old haunts where I experienced so much pleasure too painful for the time being.
Yet somehow, like a desire to fall in love again, this whole experience makes me want to write more. And to find another community of diariests that I can be fascinated by.
Because in spite of my now new-found cynicism in the truthfulness of what people write, I still find the humanity in it all to be what makes it so compelling and so beautiful, whether its completely truthful or not.
God Bless you all,
Patty S.
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Friday, March 29th, 2002
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11:35 am - It's Good Friday
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I'm going to Church at noon at this beautiful old Catholic church near the Moscone Center in San Francisco called St. Patricks. But hey, I don't believe in ever being overly reverential. And personally, I think God has a hellava sense of humor so . . . check out: http://www.jesusdressup.com/#
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Thursday, March 28th, 2002
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12:11 pm - Wow someone called me
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And it was the FAMOUS www.justin.org. He called me on my whatever it is phone line at:
My mailbox is 1-877-684-2600, ext. 691.
Good to hear your voice Justin. I've been keeping tabs on you too on your journal. You've inspired me to try and write more often because I didn't realize anyone was actually READING my journal.
Yes, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than the HOUSE OF PAIN you visited when you came to give me that ill-fated computer lesson over a year ago. I still owe you guitar lessons.
I love the picture of you in Thailand, you look like Hunter S. Thompson.
I'd still love to take you out for some Polish food some time if you ever land in Oakland for any length of time.
Patty S.
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12:04 pm - Mugshots of the Rich and Famous
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I have little or nothing to do at work because my boss is in Cabo. So I am amusing myself surfing the net and found this site Mugshots of the Rich and Famous at http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Set/3881/tvmovies.html
It's strangly fascinating. I like the picture of "Hanoi Jane" which I've used as my picture for this entry.
Patty S.
current mood:  bored
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Friday, March 22nd, 2002
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10:03 am - I am
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Wednesday, March 20th, 2002
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11:10 am - Back from L.A.
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Did another test:
Test Results
| You think of yourself as being pleasure, joy, feeling, and intensity. | | Others think of you as being cute, sad, loyal, and huggable. | | Your relationships can be described as beautiful, light, smelly, and lifegiving. | | When stressed, you feel thoughtful. |
Take this test here.
More later.
Patty S.
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Friday, March 15th, 2002
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9:09 am - ahh ok maybe i'm not so smart
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I got that one picture working, but the last three seem to be screwed up. Oh well, I'm running out the door to go down to L.A. I'll deal next week. I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Patty S.
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Thursday, March 14th, 2002
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4:44 pm - Now I'm going nuts with the pictures
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4:27 pm - Latest Update
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Karl and Patty at Morro Rock
Wow. I figured out how to post pictures. I am awesome!!! Karl and I met at Morro Bay this last weekend. We had the best time. It took a little while to adjust. We made jokes about having two personas "Phone Karl" and "Phone Patty" and "In-Person Karl" and "In-Person Patty." It's a bit of an adjustment.
But after a while the two phased together and I had the best weekend.
I made of list of all the things I wanted to remember and here they are:
1. Sitting on the porch, drinking wine and watching the sunset.
2. The stars in the sky at night.
3. The way I felt during Church and how happy I was afterwards, getting coffee, chatting with the old lady in the Antiques Shop and buying the picture of the Rock.
4. The way Karl looked in his bike-riding clothes.
5. Visiting the Rock, talking with that couple, laying in Karl's arms watching the light on the water. Walking through the tidepools and sticking my finger in that Sea-whatever-it-was.
6. Skipping stones on the beach.
7. Playing basketball.
8. The way I managed to walk away instead of freaking out when Karl wanted to go to sleep when we got back to the room.
9. Talking with that little boy and petting his dog "Chuckie" outside of the liquor store.
10. Playing pool and listening to the great music I put on the jukebox. "Into the Mystic" and "Kid."
11. Seeing Karl at the Liquor Store -- the look on his face as he walked up to me talking with that lapsed-Catholic Irish guy and the guy saying "I could tell by the way your face lit up, that you were with him." "That's not mystery, he couldn't sleep because you weren't there."
12. Working out the situation with Karl afterwards, calmly and sincerely.
13. Feeling so beautiful and so proud to be with such a handsome man at dinner that night.
14. The food. Hmmm, lampchops, the oysters, the chocolate tort.
15. In bed that night. Yowza!
16. Sleeping that night. So peaceful.
17. Waking up to that gorgeous, beautiful day. Laying in bed laughing, watching the ducks.
18. Playing guitar on the porch with Karl watching me in bed.
19. The way he took so long to pick out the pictures he wanted and that he took so many.
20. The Botanical Garden.
21. The ocean.
22. Karl catching that lizard and me stroking its blue belly.
23. Walking on the slippery rocks and the way Karl watched out for me.
24. The drive back to the Inn -- the slow drive back -- listening to Jon Dee Graham.
25. Seeing Mallory and Eve and Michael and Jenna and Marcus, laughing at the kitchen table and talking about love.
26. Listening to Jon Dee Graham on the drive home and imagining Karl listening to it at the same time.
27. The Bing Crosby and Louis Armstrong duet I listened to on the way back.
28. Thinking about kissing Karl.
29. How incredibly beautiful California is.
I got home and found out my Dad has cancer. Life is funny that way. The great, mixed with the tragic.
I'm driving down to Orange County this weekend to see my Dad. Sunday is his birthday (St. Patricks Day). That's why I was named Patty. But I also be able to see Karl, so God, well God is looking out for me.
Patty S.
current mood:  content
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(comment on this)
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1:49 pm - Ureach.com
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I just found this through Stephanie (adventure1)(who has a really cute voice by the way). You can get a free voice mail line at www.ureach.com
My mailbox is 1-877-684-2600, ext. 691.
It's cool to think I may hear some voices of people here on Live Journal. It's the perfect weirdo-anonymous compliment to this whole thing.
Patty S.
current mood:  amused
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Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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12:50 pm - Who knows you better you or those who love you
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My boyfriend Karl (yes, I officially have a boyfriend -- I liked when Stephanie announced that she and Myk discussed it and were now officially boyfriend and girlfriend, so I broached the subject with Karl Sunday, March 3 and he agreed in a very shy and cute way that yes, he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend) took the "Which Rock Chick Are You" survey pretending to be me, and it came out that I'm Gwen Stefani, who I actually relate to a lot more than Bjork. I mean Gwen grew up in Anaheim, CA and I grew up in Orange, CA RIGHT NEXT DOOR. We're both So-Cal suburban chicks.
Here is the email exchange between me and Karl about it:
Karl wrote:
"maybe it was the swan dress you said you'ld wear.
i took the quiz --trying to be you -- and came up with gwen stefani (somehow i think thats not to your liking...). i'll have to continue to work on knowing who you really are.
-k"
And I wrote back:
"I think you may know me better than I do. I actually love Gwen Stefani. She's an Orange County girl just like me and every time I read interviews with her I totally relate to what she has to say. And to be honest, I relate to her a hellava lot more than Ms. Wacky Swan.
I probably over-thought my answers.
patty
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11:40 am - Being that I am a Rock Chick
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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5:22 pm - Ok I think I got it maybe
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5:11 pm - Testing the linking thing
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OK. Here we go. This is a link to an amazing piece of journal writing of one of my fave on-line journal writers named Jay. His father just died. His grief is exquisitly expressed. He is at
Argh. Now what???? Well I guess I'll just update and see what happens.
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1:55 pm - A word to the wise
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never mention blowjobs in emails to long-distance boyfriends. It makes them INSANE.
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pmspigla's journal
